I was in the car, it was a Sunday afternoon. We were driving to a marina to look at boats. It was a blustery day with pockets of rain. We were on the motorway and I was just saying how much better I was feeling. I had been down for several days. Meanwhile the road construction was beginning to annoy me. When the line markers have been removed and the indentation is left and the sound of the tyre going over it, mile after mile…. The noise grated on me. I was either driving along the indents or too close to the new lane markers. It felt all wrong. The confining construction walls didn’t help. It made it feel like the lanes were narrower. So I was just saying how much better I was feeling then within about ten minutes I was feeling a full on panic attack while driving. I haven’t really felt one before, definitely not while driving. How did it go?
I felt like it was hard to breathe. So I tried to breathe deeply. It wasn’t helping. I really wanted to get off the motorway. I wanted to cry. I wanted to not be there. Trying to calm myself didn’t seem to work. My mouth went dry. I kept smacking my lips together trying to get moisture. I kept trying to deep breathe. I sighed a lot. Meanwhile hubby was sitting next to me. Silently trying to work out why on earth I could suddenly be feeling so distressed after moments earlier saying how good I was feeling.
Is it weather? Pockets of barometric pressure dipping? Is it low blood sugar? Is it hormones? I don’t know.
I had three lows yesterday and during them they weren’t pleasant at all. I could recognise that they were lows. So what part of me says. How helpful is that? Is recognising how you are feeling helpful? I suppose it is. Is being able to describe how you are feeling helpful? I suppose so. How? I’m not sure yet.
My hubby drove the next leg of the trip. I felt better with him behind the wheel. I’m sure he felt the same.
This was me last month in a moment. An anxiety moment.
How is it that when you are in an anxious moment you can feel the world crushing you but in fact it is just your perceived idea of reality? A warped one at that. Perception is everything. When someone tells you that your anxiety is not that bad or your depression is not that bad, it’s just mild. When you are in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel too mild. It irks me when I hear this. It doesn’t help me at all. From the light at the end of the tunnel it might not have seemed so bad after all but in the middle of the tunnel it is dark, forbidding and with no end in sight.
Today I feel like I’m standing in bright sunlight. Eyes closed face to the sun. My head feels clear. The clouds have departed. I have clarity of mind. It’s a wonderful feeling.
Jay Z and Alicia Keys – Empire State of Mind