“There are seconds, they come only five or six at a time, and you suddenly feel the presence of eternal harmony, fully achieved. It is nothing earthly; not that it’s heavenly, but man cannot endure it in his earthly state. One must change physically or die. The feeling is clear and indisputable. As if you suddenly sense the whole of nature and suddenly say: yes, this is true. God, when he was creating the world, said at the end of each day of creation: ‘Yes, this is true, this is good.’ This . . . this is not tenderheartedness, but simply joy. You don’t forgive anything, because there is no longer anything to forgive. You don’t really love — oh, what is here is higher than love! What’s most frightening is that it’s so terribly clear, and there’s such joy. If it were longer than five seconds — the soul couldn’t endure it and would vanish. In those five seconds I live my life through, and for them I would give my whole life, because it’s worth it. To endure ten seconds one would have to change physically . . . .”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky,
I have clarity.
I have lightness of heart.
I have joy.
I see clearly now where I looked before. I see you as you are. I see my reality of you. I see through the drapery and the lies. I see what you are. I don’t like what I see but I decided to face you rather than look away. In the past in my subconscious I always held my inner most thoughts private, protected. From what I did not know. I knew just that my pure heart needed protection. I spent years seeing only the good in you. I ignored the reality because I didn’t want to really see. I believed you were better. Now I see you as you are in all your ugliness of thought. I was initially disappointed. Now I feel indifferent. I am not hurt by your lies or your ill intentions. I choose not to join your world of darkness and misery. I am worth more than that. You have made me feel worthless for too many years. You have hurt me without me knowing the cause. I always thought it was my fault. Mental abuse is the label on it today.
I have my aspergers to thank for my inability to understand social behaviour. For so long I could not fully grasp the damage done to me. I had blindly held your words to be the truth. I believed all that you said. You were my role model. Later I had distance and limited interaction with you to protect me. But I see now that despite the ocean between us you were still able to hurt me with the phone calls. I see that now. I always felt deflated after talking with you on the phone. Life shouldn’t have been like that. You should have lifted me up and made me feel good about myself. You should have encouraged me. You should have be my champion.
You never accepted your role. You chose to feel superior, you chose to be vain, you chose to be greedy, you chose to feel jealous, you chose to make me feel insecure about myself. You stole my confidence. You robbed me. You did all this so skilfully that I couldn’t see what you were doing. I thought you were showing me that you cared. I didn’t know any difference. I accepted you wholeheartedly and you treated me so badly.
I am impervious to your poison now. I have been bitten too many times. The venom doesn’t work any more. I have been in this fog of numbness for too many years. The numbness has finally worn off. I am tired of you. You may not see my scars but they have healed. It has taken me what feels a lifetime to face you but I am facing you now.
I see you. You cannot hide yourself and your actions. I see you. The odd thing is that you can’t see that I see you now. You have never bothered to face yourself and I see that you think you are fooling yourself, me and everybody else. I see you. You fool me no longer.
Physical distance is a blessing. Answering machines are a blessing. I will be civil. I will not stoop to your level. I will not be used by you again. I see you. I hold you now at arm’s length. I no longer wish to have anything to do with you. I will not cut you completely from my life. I will limit my interaction with you. I will see or speak to you when I am ready to face you. I will no longer be at your beck and call. I will see you on my terms.
Thank you for letting me see who you really are. I feel stronger for this clarity. I have a lightness of heart. I have joy. Thank you. I have found my strength and confidence that was there all along. I just had to see it .
Zedd – Clarity